Elliot Parker was my best friend. When we were eight years old, he gave me a cheese ring, pushed it onto my finger, and asked me to marry him. I ate the cheese ring. I also said, “Yes” but that we’d have to wait until we were thirty years old. Two years later, we nearly drowned in a storm drain. Four years after that, he moved away and I never saw him again. I turned thirty last week, and now Elliot is holding me to our promise. Seriously, he is insane if he thinks an out-of-the-blue Facebook message stipulating the binding law of an oral contractual agreement is going to seal our ridiculous twenty-two-year engagement. Insane. I wonder if he really does look like his profile picture though because... wow!